When Control Looks Like Leadership (But It’s Really Just Exhaustion)

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It starts small. You finish a presentation, but instead of sending it off, you find yourself going slide by slide, adjusting phrasing, reordering points, double checking the formatting, not because it’s wrong, but because it doesn’t feel safe to let it go as it is. You tell yourself it’s faster this way, it’s cleaner, it’s more efficient. And it is. Until your team stops taking initiative because they know that you’re going to redo it anyway. You’re not. You’re accidentally training your team not to think for themselves. And without that space to grow, they’ll never become a high performing team.

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Or maybe you’re out for dinner with your partner, but your mind keeps circling back to that stakeholder update. You’ve written it, you’ve reviewed it, but something in your body still doesn’t feel finished. Imagine how that’s showing up in your conversation with your partner. Or maybe you’re asked a question in a meeting and you know the answer. But you pause, you weigh it up, you filter your response, depending on who’s in the room. Because there’s this tight little voice inside that says, get it right. Don’t be exposed. Don’t upset anyone.

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Don’t upset the apple cart. This is a part we don’t talk about in the leadership manuals. That underneath that control is fear. Not loud, dramatic fear, but a quieter kind. The kind that whispers. If I don’t stay across everything, I’ll drop the ball. Or if I trust too much, I’ll get blindsided. Or how about this? If I stop proving my worth, they might realise I’m not enough.

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And that voice, it doesn’t show up as panic. It shows up as late night reviews, or over preparing for meetings, dodging feedback even when you ask for it. Or maybe checking in on teams when you’re on leave, just stay ahead. Or maybe it’s that quick Sunday night email check in just to clear the decks, when actually it’s quietly robbing you of your rest. Maybe you’re avoiding important or difficult conversations, not because you don’t know what to say, but because saying it could create some discomfort, it could shift a dynamic. Or it could risk being misunderstood. Or maybe it’s simply because you don’t have the energy to imagine the imagined consequences. Say that again.

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Or maybe it’s simply because you don’t have the energy to manage the imagined consequences, the emotional fallout, the ripple effects. So instead you hold it, you rationalise, you wait for a better time, which by the way, really comes up. Because here’s the confusing part, control does look like leadership. It looks like diligence, looks like high standards, like someone who’s across all the details, someone who won’t let anything slip. And in many environments, especially the corporate ones that we’ve grown up in, that gets rewarded. Control gets mistaken for commitment, perfectionism gets praised as professionalism. And being the one who always holds it together, well, that’s often seen as being a natural leader. So we lean into it, we build identities around it.

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But over time, what starts as excellence quietly becomes ama. And instead of leading from clarity, we’re leading from tension. And it’s starting to leak. So at one time, I was a financial controller, and as an accountant, control is what gets you known. You know, the debits equal the credits, and it’s what keeps things running. It’s what keeps you sharp. And honestly, it works. Well, that is, until it doesn’t.

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Because when control seeps into how you relate, how you lead, how you are, it stops being a strength and it starts becoming a strain. And here’s the deeper truth in all of this. This isn’t about needing better time management or stronger boundaries or another productivity hack. This is about identity. Because when your subconscious doesn’t feel safe in the position you already hold, when there’s a quiet, invisible tension running underneath how you show up, you’re not going to relax. You won’t release, you won’t trust. You’ll grip harder. You’ll keep proving, you’ll lead from vigilance instead of presence.

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You’ll find yourself tailoring what you say, depending on who’s in the room, dialling things up or down, presenting through a filter, subtly scanning for safety, approval, impact. And while that might feel strategic, it’s exhausting. Because the flip side, the version of leadership that’s deeply steady and internally resourced, is congruence. And that’s what your team and your colleagues are craving. The kind of presence that doesn’t ship with the room, the kind that feels steady, clear, unshakable. When nothing’s being managed, when nothing’s being performed, it’s just you, fully there, fully aligned and fully trusted. This is what I call identity fatigue. It’s what happens when your nervous system is constantly scanning for risk.

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Not because you’re in danger, but because your subconscious hasn’t actually caught up to your reality. You’re already the one people rely on. You’re already leading, and you’re doing it brilliantly. But when your inner world is still running the script of stay on guard, it’s only a matter of time before that brilliance starts to burn you out. So if you’re noticing yourself in any of this, the over editing, the over preparing, the over managing, here’s a few things you can start doing right now. First up, notice the patterns. But do this without judging them. Catch the moment you feel the urge to check or fix something that’s already done, pause, just say to yourself, well, isn’t that interesting? And then ask yourself, what am I trying to prevent here? Now remember, you’re not wrong.

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This isn’t a right or wrong thing. You’re simply gathering data. Next thing you can do, interrupt the habit with breath or movement. These patterns live in your nervous system, not just in your mind. So for example, a 30 second reset could be where you step away from your desk. You feel your feet, you take a full breath, you know, the one that goes all the way down to the bottom of your lungs. And that breath can shift the energy before it spirals. Here’s another thing you could try, and this one’s going to be especially difficult for my perfectionists practise letting something go untouched.

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One email, one slide deck, one meeting where you don’t take the lead. Just observe what happens. And remember, your leadership doesn’t disappear when you step back, it actually refines. And here’s the thing with all this, right? I’ve given you some starters on what you can do, but and you can do this work on your own. You can piece it together with the books, the podcasts, reflective journaling, experimenting with different tools, strategies and techniques. But it often takes longer. Why? Because these patterns are really clever, they’re subtle, and some of them are so ingrained that you won’t even realise they’re there until someone helps you to see them. That’s the kind of work we do together.

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This is the shift we take inside Neuro identity coaching. We don’t just talk about mindset, we work with the subconscious patterns that are quietly driving how you lead, how you relate, how you experience your day. Because your nervous system sets the tone for your team, your meetings, your culture. And when that system is calm and congruent, leadership gets lighter. It’s more fun, it’s clearer, it’s sharper. My work combines the precision of a chartered accountant, the depth of neuro identity coaching and the grounding of western herbal medicine. It’s not about making you softer, it’s not about making you clearer, it’s about helping you so that you can lead in a way that’s fully aligned with who you are, not who you think you’re supposed to be. Now if this conversation has resonated if you’ve recognised even a hint of yourself in these patterns that we’ve talked about today, first of all I want you to know that you’re not alone and secondly and more importantly this can shift inside my one on one neuro identity coaching.

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We work gently and precisely at the level of your subconscious identity so that how you lead on the outside matches how you feel on the inside. Together we untangle the patterns you’ve outgrown so that you can lead with more clarity, more calm and most importantly more of you. If it feels aligned I’d love to invite you into a conversation. There’s a link in the show notes where you can book a call. It’s no pressure, it’s just an honest grounded space to explore what’s possible. Thanks for spending time with me inside this episode. Until next time, stay steady, stay curious and keep following what feels quietly powerful. Sending you lots of love.

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Bye for now.