The Hidden Cost of Being “The Reliable one”

[00:00:02]:

So here’s the thing. You didn’t become the reliable one by accident. You became her because life asked for her. Maybe, like me, you were the eldest. Maybe you were the one who could always be counted on to get it done. No drama, no fuss. Maybe you became the calm and the chaos because, well, someone had to be. And you were good at it.

[00:00:27]:

And maybe somewhere along the way, you also learned that being good meant being easy to handle. Don’t make a fuss, don’t be too much, don’t need too much. You discovered, whether from school, home or culture, that good girls get the love and that being reliable, that was a good girls currency. It brought you safety, approval, belonging. So you doubled down. You got really good at reading the room. You anticipated needs before they were spoken. You became the one people could always count on.

[00:01:04]:

And when you were praised for being mature, for not making a fuss, for being the easy one, you learned to associate being needed with being loved. Sometimes that praise came in contrast to a sibling. She’s the responsible one. She never gives us trouble. Why can’t you be more like her? That kind of reinforcement doesn’t feel damaging at the time. It feels like affection, recognition. But it teaches you something powerful and subtle. Love lives where you perform.

[00:01:39]:

And so you find a way to perform again and again. And before we go any further on this, this is isn’t about blaming our parents. They were doing the best they could with what they had. They didn’t have access to coaches or cognitive behavioural therapy, or rapid transformational therapy. They were moving through their own patterns, their own conditioning. And that conditioning didn’t start with them. Their behaviour was shaped by their parents, just as their parents were shaped by the ones before them. And sometimes those patterns were repeated, other times they were rebelled against.

[00:02:16]:

But either way, much of it was unconscious. And despite our best intentions, those childhood programmes sneak into our parenting. Not because we’re not trying hard enough, not because we’re a good or a bad parent, but because we don’t yet see what’s driving us. And this is simply about understanding how those early dynamics shaped who you thought you needed to be and how they might still be showing up in your leadership today. And let’s be honest, there’s something deeply satisfying about that. Right? It feels good to be needed, to be seen as the safe pair of hands, to be respected for your composure and your consistency. It’s something that shaped your success, your ability to show up fully, no matter what, your ability to show up. But here’s the thing about those strengths.

[00:03:19]:

When we’re not careful, we over-identify with them. They become not just something we do, but who we think we have to be. And when becoming reliable becomes a requirement instead of a choice, we start to make subtle trade-offs. We disconnect from our emotional range, we override our own signals. And we begin to equate stability with self-suppression. And that’s where the hidden cost begins to show up. Even the strongest qualities, when left unchecked, can turn into silent burdens. What starts as a strength can become a script.

[00:03:59]:

And if that script is running in the background of your life without you realising it, you can wake up one day exhausted by a role you never consciously agreed to. And that’s when the real cost begins to show itself. So let’s talk about what it actually looks like to carry the identity of the reliable one for too long. You don’t even notice that your shoulders are tense anymore. It’s just your default posture. I remember a time when my Pilates instructor would gently place a finger on each of my shoulders and guide them down. I didn’t even realise they were up near my ears. That tension had become so normal that I stopped registering it.

[00:04:44]:

And that’s the thing when reliability becomes your identity. You stop noticing the ways your body is holding the load. It becomes your default posture. You’re so used to thinking three steps ahead that you don’t feel the ground under your feet. And that forward focus, it’s what makes you strategic, but it can also make you absent. You miss the quiet winds. You brush past the moment of connection because your mind’s already on the next challenge, the next thing to do. You struggle to celebrate progress because your brain is calculating what’s stopping still needs to be fixed.

[00:05:21]:

To your team, it might look like ambition, but energetically, it can feel like pressure, like they’re never quite doing enough. And it keeps you from feeling the richness of what you’re actually building right here, right now. So you respond before you feel, you decide before you digest, you move before you check in. And on the outside, it looks like efficiency, right? Like decisiveness, strength, speed. But underneath, there’s a subtle erosion happening when you skip over your own emotional cues. You lose touch with your instinct. Your decisions start coming from urgency instead of clarity. And your team can feel it, even if they don’t know how to name it.

[00:06:15]:

They sense the rushing, the unspoken pressure to keep up. The lack of space to pause, reflect or question. It creates a culture of output over presence. And that ripples into creativity, trust and even retention. You keep showing up and you do it well. But something’s gone quiet inside you. Maybe it’s your desire, maybe it’s your intuition. Maybe it’s the part of you that used to dream instead of plan.

[00:06:46]:

You might even notice a subtle flatness, like your days are full but not fulfilling. You’re doing all the right things, but they don’t feel as alive anymore. And that’s not burnout. That’s disconnection. Disconnection from your own emotional signals. Disconnection from your internal pacing. Disconnection from the truth that you get to be human, not just dependable. And maybe you’ve felt that ripple.

[00:07:32]:

The meetings where the energy felt off, the talented team member who started holding back the moment you looked at your calendar and you realised that you couldn’t remember the last time you felt in it. Not just on top of it. It’s not a sign that you’re failing. It’s a sign that something deeper is ready to shift. Because here’s the truth most leadership frameworks don’t tell you. The strongest leaders do flinch. They feel the wobble, the fear, the pang of doubt. But instead of pushing it down, they pause.

[00:08:12]:

They get curious, and they respond from presence, not pattern. Because leadership isn’t about never flinching. It’s about knowing what to do with the flinch. And sometimes the flinch is physical. I recently spoke on a discussion panel at a conference holding the room, articulating my ideas, delivering value. And under the table, my hands were shaking. No one could see it, but I could feel it. And I didn’t make it mean that I wasn’t ready.

[00:08:48]:

I didn’t try to push the feeling away. I let my voice keep going. I let my body speak, too. Delegates sought me out throughout that conference to tell me how much they appreciated what I shared, both the substance and. And the way I delivered it. Because the strongest leaders don’t silence the signal. They lead with it. When you lead from this place where your humanity is welcome, your team feels it.

[00:09:16]:

They feel it in the way you listen, in the way you slow down, in the way you’re willing to say. I don’t have that answer yet, but I’m thinking it through. That kind of presence creates a ripple, because whether you mean to or not, you’re always setting the pace. Your energy gives your team permission to breathe, to think, to be present. You’re showcasing what leadership can look like when it’s not fueled by fear or urgency. You’re making it safe for your seat. You’re making it safe for your team to slow down, to Reflect, to take aligned action instead of reactive motion. And in that space, innovation happens.

[00:10:07]:

Trust deepens, people exhale and they bring their best. But it goes deeper than that. You’re not just leading, you’re modelling self leadership. And that gives your team something far more valuable than direction. It gives them an example, an example of what it means to lead with presence, to move with clarity, to honour their own inner signals. When you embody that, you’re not just building performance, you’re building leaders. And that’s how culture transforms from the inside out. And when your team learns that it’s safe, it’s safe to lead with presence, it’s safe to move with clarity, it’s safe to honour your own inner signals, you start to notice the shifts.

[00:11:00]:

They stop second guessing and start owning their decisions. They ask better questions, they collaborate more deeply, they hold each other and themselves accountable in ways that are grounded, not formative. And that culture becomes less about managing optics and more about building something real. This is what happens when leadership starts with the self and when it’s embodied, not just taught, right. This isn’t about being soft, it’s about being clear. And clarity is what makes people feel safe. So if you’ve been feeling the quiet weight of always being the reliable one, the one who doesn’t flinch, who always shows up, who carries what no one else sees, this is your reminder. You don’t have to hold it all.

[00:11:57]:

You were never meant to. And the parts of you that do flinch, they’re not weakness, they’re wisdom. What would change if you let that be true for you? If you’re ready to explore a different kind of leadership, one where your presence is your power. It’s talk. I work with high performing women who are ready to stop performing, to lead from their full selves, to feel as good on the inside as they look on the outside. And if that’s you, you know where to find me. Until next time, thank you. Thank you for leading with heart.

[00:12:39]:

I’m sending you lots of love. Bye for now.